"Texting 999 was the biggest relief of my life"

“One day he would call me a spineless loser and the next, I was very smart and hard-working – I was living in one big, foggy confusion.”

Those were the words of Ella, not her real name, describing how she felt while in the grip of her husband’s coercive controlling behaviour.

And now, after a decade of abuse, Ella is sharing her story in a bid to help others recognise the signs, which she said can be difficult to spot, because they are often masked by “the good times”.

“He could be a lovely guy and would say he needed to change his behaviour,” she said. “But in just 10 minutes - he could switch to being nasty.”

Ella met her husband in 2013 and the following year, moved to his Cambridgeshire home.

“It just felt right,” she said. “He was quite shy and seemed very loyal and close to his family, which I liked.”

However, it wasn’t long before her partner was criticising her over “petty stuff”, followed by the odd aggressive outburst where he would press her against a wall or throw items at her.

“I thought what I was going through was a natural trait of marriage,” she said. “I developed a coping mechanism - denial, false hope and blocking things out. I minimised things. For example, he only pushed me - I didn’t have any broken bones. There was something wrong with me,” she said.

“I then found myself walking on eggshells because our conversations revolved around his needs and his hurt feelings, which he said I never respected or listened to enough. He would accuse me of not supporting him, but on the other hand, when I wanted to help him, it was never good enough. I felt like I was insensitive and some sort of cold monster.”

The couple married and throughout her pregnancies, her husband continued to push or shove her, which left her terrified for her unborn babies.

“He got super stressed out about everything in life – daily duties, interactions with people, house chores, and take it out on me,” she said.

“He humiliated me, put me down, called me names, ridiculed my family and friends, and told me people hated me because I was sick in the head.”

Ella’s husband would also use his body to block the doorway so she couldn’t leave the room without his permission and if he was in a rage, she said, also decided where she slept, and “would take the duvet from me and drag me to the front door, threatening that I would sleep outside”.

And as their home wasn’t in Ella’s name, her husband would use that as “big tool of control”, telling she was a “leech” and didn’t have any rights, and wouldn’t survive without him.

“He also used the kids and said that social services would take them from me,” she said. “He would also tell me that his family’s lawyers would destroy me.”

Ella started to feel trapped and feared for her children; she didn’t want them to witness the physical violence which had now escalated to him punching and strangling her.

“I felt like my brain was melting, so I started to take notes of incidents as it’s easy to forget the bad times in between the good,” she said.

She said she wanted to learn more about what abuse was and read Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

‘’I cried when I read that book and will always recommend it to the people who are in the abusive relationships,” she said.

Tentatively, Ella began to seek support – she used Cambridgeshire Constabulary’s Web Chat service to get advice and registered her mobile number with the police.

“I was taking little steps to make a plan to leave,” she said.

One evening, after another violent attack, Ella knew she had to get help and remembered she had registered her phone with the police and texted for help.

“I couldn’t believe when they arrived; I cried because I couldn’t believe that I had really texted 999 - it was the biggest relief of my life.”

Moments later, officers arrived on the scene and arrested her husband, who was later convicted for domestic abuse offences.

Ella is now urging other victims to seek help from the police and domestic abuse organisations such as Women’s Aid, Victim Support, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

“My advice would be to trust the police; they are on your side. The officers who helped me were patient and professional in a practical way. They never rushed me, and they had empathy.

“Even if you decide to stay in the relationship, if it’s safe, take notes or recordings and register your phone with the police, just in case.

“Although the post-separation was a bumpy process – grief, missing that person, reminiscing good times even – I’m so glad I made the decision to end it and get help. It’s given me a feeling of peace and relief.”

For advice and support on domestic abuse, including coercive control, visit the force’s dedicated web page.